Grrr....

I'm so tired of people giving up on me so easily. I'm so tired of them deciding I'm not “worth it.” I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not worth the “challenge.” They don't have the time or patience for me. Damnit I'm not a bad person. I just have issues, lots & lots of issues. And ya know what? I tell them that long before they get attached to me. I lay it all right out on the table right away. I tell them “I'm psycho.” They always laugh but I always reiterate the severity of my issues. I'm not joking. I have big time issues. If you can't take it then don't get my heart caught up in it. Get out before you get in.

I do have a tendency to “push someone away” I can't help it. I guess I'm just waiting to find the ONE person who's willing to push back. The ONE person who's willing to fight for me. To fight ME for me basically. People don't put up walls to keep people out, they do it to see who's willing to knock them down. That's me for sure. I just wish for once I could find someone who thinks I'm worth it. Someone who finally sees all the good inside of me and is willing to overlook all the bad.

I have HUGE abandonment issues. After everything I've been thru, you would too. So sometimes it's a self fulfilling prophecy thing. I push them away & then they abandon me. But I really don't mean to push them that far away. I just want to me loved damnit. I want to be loved unconditionally thru all my issues. I have HUGE trust issues, once again if you'd been thru what I've been thru you would too. And I don't ever want the other person to have any issues with trust with me so I give them NO reason not to trust me. If I'm talking on the phone with someone in front of my boyfriend I will tell them exactly who I'm talking to and what we talked about. Same thing with text messages, if I get one in front of my boyfriend I will tell him exactly who it was & exactly what they said. So reciprocate that out of consideration for my trust issues, please. Don't spend all night getting text messages & responding to them and not giving me any kind of clue who it is. And if I tease you and say it's one of your other girlfriends, don't agree with me damnit!!! That just fuels my trust issues big time. And my abandonment issues, all you have to do is be reassuring of your feelings for me & that we are good. Don't get all distant and cold on me. Don't start ignoring my text messages. Don't ignore my phone calls. Especially if we're used to talking like all the freaking time via text, don't go MIA for 18 hours straight & then get mad at me because I'm upset that I couldn't get a hold of you. If I'm used to you responding to all my texts then all of a sudden nothing, all that does is tell me that you are done with me. So I'm going to respond accordingly and most of the time it will be me lashing out mad & pushing you until you push back.

Ok, ok, ok, I know these issues wouldn't be exasperated if I hadn't been off my meds for over a month now. That's right I'm full on Psycho Cassi, med-free and all. And that's REALLY NOT GOOD!!! But I've been waiting desperately for my insurance to kick in at my new job with no luck so far. Damnit I need my meds very much bad. It's really bringing me down big time. So I'm gonna try to fill my pills tomorrow & see if maybe my previous insurance didn't get cancelled properly considering I've never gotten notice of cancellation. Maybe I'll luck out & will get my expensive ass pills for $15 tomorrow, I sure as hell hope so. Damn I hope so & I'm sure my boyfriend hopes so too. That's right, he's still my boyfriend even thru all my bitching on here about heartbreak supposedly he hasn't dumped me yet, but at this rate it's only a matter of time, right?

I HATE it that I have Borderline Personality Disorder!! I HATE it that I have depression!! I HATE it that I'm not normal!! I need meds & I need counseling but ya know what I can't get either & it sucks ass!!!!!!!!! If I could just get back on my meds & get into DBT counseling then I could be “fixed” truly. Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable, pretty much curable with the right kind of counseling. So I could cure this abandonment issues forever if I just had the ability to get the counseling I need.

Some, probably all of you, don't understand what Borderline Personality Disorder is at all, so I'm gonna leave some links for you to check out if you really want to know what's going on inside my head.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx10.htm

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/main.shtml
I like the above one it tells you what it “feels” like.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442

http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.borderline.html

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/games.shtml
The above one tells you the “games” that are played between Borderlines and non Borderlines (aka their family & loved ones)

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
The above lists symptoms or indicators (READ THIS ONE it's really good)

******I just found this on one of the pages & had to quote it cause I suffer from this BADLY
“Lack of Object Constancy
When we're lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This is very comforting even if these people are far away-sometimes, even if they're no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy. Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. The BP may call you frequently just to make sure you're still there and still care about them.”
******That explains why I do so poorly at long distance relationships.

Really if you read any of those pages you will understand more about what is going on in my fucked up head. That is if you actually care enough to want to know.